| The Mariana Trench: reflections on the utter loss of any remaining faith in humanity |
[Jul. 20th, 2008|04:20 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | pandora's box | ] |
| [ | level of humanization |
| | at wit's end | ] |
| [ | now playing |
| | my blood boiling | ] |
oh ho, livejournal! we meet again! mostly because it's the only place left and i am reasonably certain absolutely fucking NOBODY reads this bullshit i blather into these little textboxes.
growing up is the worst thing that can happen to anybody. cripple, cripple, cripple.
my mind is so consumed with rationalizing the nauseating je-ne-sais-quois out of everything (because you know, grown ups in the real world have to be rational and the world around them has to appear to be rational as well, otherwise who KNOWS what might happen! cough into your sleeve and roll your eyes. hold your hand to you temple like a gun and wish wish WISH....) that i can't even readily assemble any one collection of words to mean anyhing but wishy washy nonsense. vent. rant. talk shit. what have you.
the fact of the matter is, at some point (or at least one would hope) you realize that nothing is fully causeless. this is problematic, because you often never become privvy to The Cause, which then reduces The Act to senseless perpetuation of violence and cruelty. but because you are fairly assured that The Cause must in fact exist, and that it must in fact be of such a nature to reasonably excuse The Act, you are completely unable to effortlessly give in to the natural human tendency to assign blame. and you have learned, in your quarterlife on earth, now that you're an Adult, that the only person it is acceptable to blame for the bad things that happen to you is yourself.
manifest destiny! after all, rational adults wouldn't just be a total douchebag for no reason, would they? i must have done something to deserve this maltreatment from these perfectly decent mature human beings, right? there's no POSSIBLE way that an unprovoked responsible law-abiding suit-wearing money-making citizen of the republic would just be an asshole, is there? no explanation for academic minds suddenly becoming, dare i say.... thoughtless? or a rag-clad beggar to whom you offer food to throw it on the ground and call it an insult? or an exploding testosterone factory of a strangers at a bar shoving you around a bit? unthinkable! you just must be a really off-putting repulsive person. people aren't just mean for no reason.... are they???
so what happens? "i hate myself and i want to die"? not far off, really. people constantly shit and piss all over each other, and here's the catch: literally, THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT IS SIT THERE QUIETLY AND REFUSE TO SHIT AND PISS ON ANYBODY ELSE. you can't blame them, no of course not. it's really not their fault. you certainly can't help them! helping people who don't want to help themselves is the biggest waste of energy this side of parked idling SUVs. and you'd think that unsubscribing to this way of making each other miserable would at least allow you to live in some kind of harmony but that's not true either! people don't really want you around, but they don't want you to leave. they don't want to be there for you but god help you if you're not there for them when they break a nail.
this is a world where even the kindred only look out for themselves, leaving anybody with the greater good in mind in the awkward position of having to prioritize themselves ahead of all of their fellow beings, or suffer the consequences. nobody's going to look after you just because you look after them. no no, these are Modern Times. Advanced, Efficient, Profitable. and i guarantee you, if you give a flying fuck about those who surround you, unless you are some kind of omnipotent life-skills ninja who secretly operates within a team of secret clones, you can work yourself to the bone doing the absolute best you can in every facet of your existence, and the most you will hear about is how much you are fucking up.
and they will LOVE IT! they will take such exquisite self-righteous pleasure from asserting upon you how terribly the failure of your best intentions has inconvenienced them. how disappointed in you they are. how upset you've made them. how much of an asshole YOU are for trying to do nothing but content them. well... let it not be said that no good deed goes unrewarded. you have vindicated them! you have given them one more pathetic thing to whine and gripe about and harp on! one more vain distraction from the equally precious lives on the periphery. you are a hero!
give them miles. give them lightyears. they will put up a fight about letting you loose one goddamn milimeter.
and now for yet another good kicker: for some godforsaken narcissistic reason like carrying on names and bloodlines and playing dolly and dressup and the (oh gosh don't say this too loud they might hear you) ultimate pet, people keep popping out these whiney screamy smelly little versions of themselves, The Hope of the Future! but guess what? despite your best efforts, in some undeniable ways, you will become your parents, just as they grew up, ran out of piss and vinegar and became THEIR parents. and every fucking generation, the adage remains that these are the youth who will save the human race! these are the youth who will save the planet and care for their elders! these are the youth that will make world peace a reality and use science to magically rebuild an entire bloody biodome that science fucking destroyed! leave it to the youth! they can govern themselves! we need to give our youth a break!
the answer? lazy shitty parenting. legions and legions of technology savvy, highly conditioned little contemptuous brats with absolutely no respect for anything. destroy, destroy, destroy.
justice doesn't exist. neither does jesus. we will all die in our respective gutters believing the most misguided hogwash about our days in the 21st century. this is a sad and ugly world full of sad and angry people who do nothing but hurt each other, and i don't want to be a part of it anymore. godless bloodsuckers, all of you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2007|01:30 am] |
i am completely and utterly alone in one sense or the other.
it's kind of a bummer. |
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| and so it goes... |
[Oct. 16th, 2007|09:15 pm] |
| [ | now playing |
| | cornflake girl (live) - tori amos (for old times) | ] |
so..... how long has it been? too long? not long enough? it's all relative really. everything is. for example, am i a complete disaster or am i a work of art? i'm banking on disaster.
the last few eras of life have been nothing short of insanity. but as i tell everyone else, at least perhaps it will one day make a very terrible rock and roll novel.
i have reached yet another point where i panic at the thought of losing things. people. opportunities. and yet am so bogged down by the inertia and false necessities of societal life that i am virtually powerless to stop it. i can't stop time yet anyhow. i'm still trying to learn how to do that by the way: bend space and time. perhaps not much has changed in all these days and nights, or perhaps that is the permanent desire of every human. at any rate, if i can't bend space and time, at least i'm going to try and beat it. i shall not waste.
i am exhausted of weaving these tales to all those that ask. i am a terrible liar after all, and the only truth worth verbalizing is the whole truth, so instead, some shitty emo poetry will attempt to do this week justice, and everything else that fell before shall wait in silence a few days more.
....
meet me here. this parlour of mysteries intrigues me in the most subtle of manners. subtlety at a loss of its own self. belligerence falls nothing short of poetic in such a context. house of freedom. end of days. we'll sit at the bar until we can smoke in here.
"the night is young!" she says. voices from my own head. i promise to smile before the door becomes a portal. welcome to the dream factory. lovers piss and bleed here. i almost always leave alone. when reality come crashing towards the end of the midnight hours, you're better off not knowing how many hands you lost.
meet me here. i spend all days and nights steeped in the familiarity of your motions, and those we made together. and i wonder if the familiarity is all that is left. i match my tears in liquor.
we left each other broken, love.i see the salvation, but you leave me in a paradox. "too weird to live, too rare to die."
from today, art takes precedence. for every frame i take with a blink of my eyelasges, there will be the click of a shutter. for every line i play on my heartstrings, there will be a song. for every nightmare, a covered canvas.
i will find the one who leads the way once more, with her warm lantern and shuffling footsteps. there is not much time: art is immortal, we are not. |
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| "so there IS a curse. that's very interesting..." |
[Jan. 1st, 2007|08:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | closet | ] |
| [ | now playing |
| | the new red sparowes album. | ] |
holy fuck-new-years-forevermore batman. seriously. fuck new years. and fuck the whole rest of the year if that's any indication of what's in store for the next 365 days. |
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| soundtrack 5 - subject: enter a subject |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|02:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the garret | ] |
| [ | now playing |
| | the murder mystery - velvet underground | ] |
i could detail what's been going on in my life, but really, you should just go listen to these songs. not because they have deep hidden meanings that will give you insight to the nature of my existence. they don't. it would be pretty lame if they did. but they're really fucking good.
opening credits: making time - creation
waking up: queen bitch - david bowie
average day: cool kids keep - american analog set
first date: that teenage feeling - neko case
falling in love: michigan girls - califone
love scene: oh yoko - john lennon
fight scene: beautiful rune - some girls
breaking up: fuck this i'm leaving - american analog set
getting back together: medicine magazines - low
secret love: such hawks such hounds - dead meadow
life's okay: once in a lifetime - the talking heads
mental breakdown: the blackout - boris
sitting alone in a closet: creepy - milosh
driving: murderers - john frusciante
learning a lesson: revelator - gillian welch
deep thought: new joker - ladyhawk
partying: sponsorships - les georges leningrad
happy dance: casio bossa nova - holy fuck!
regretting: the great salt lake - band of horses
long night alone: homesick - kings of convenience
death scene: hold on, magnolia - songs:ohia
closing credits: sad eyed lady of the lowlands - bob dylan |
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| vague mentions of life for those interested |
[Dec. 9th, 2006|10:49 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | level of humanization |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | now playing |
| | cool kids keep - american analog set. | ] |
brief summary of states.
life is okay. finals will probably get passed, and who gives a fuck about first year anyway.
went to duchess says and les georges. almost died it was so good. rejoiced in the friendliness of edmonton folk. however, on the scale of fuck-shit-up, we are pretty lame. vancouver: cold and cliquey, but the kids fucking PARTY! had the show been at the brickyard or some other shitty gastown bar, it would have been the annual social dance in the ward for delusional schizophrenics, not a bunch of scenesters vaguely bouncing around.
i'm too good at my job (not like that's saying much considering what i do for a living) and they keep having to send me home early. nice on my soul, a huge burn on my pocket book (not as though i actually have a pocket book...). new years resolution: switch the respective concentrations of slack-off from school to work.
recording keys and back ups for yasmeen's album, which is really exciting and fun. the studio is in the basement of some guy who's mom works at the zoo and has a wallaby... and wallabies are amazing. and i got to meet it. it was almost as cute as a penguin. almost.
i've (finally) recorded a few tunes of my own instead of putting any effort into university, which i figure is me communicating to myself what my priorities actually are. but sometimes a good daughter/granddaughter needs to stay in school to keep her parents/grandparents happy. and the tradeoff isn't bad, because learning and employment options and pseudo-intellectual-elite status are all quite positive.
i really miss the kids in vancouver. they're especially easy to love when you don't live close enough for them to blow off plans with you all the time. the friends here are equally as busy as i am or in some cases pretend to be, and that makes for a pretty lonely life. but they are all incredible humans and they are all part of my life in one way or another, so i can't really complain. if only i had more time, because there are people i want to see (like ANDRIA!) and never really do. and that bums me out.
summation: we are okay. and of course there is christmas to look forward to. and there is nothing i love more than buying people things they like. now... to pay off the mastercard....
"the boys are in a band together. the girls all fucking stand together. cool kids'll keep together." |
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| fuck everything. |
[Nov. 12th, 2006|01:02 pm] |
sweet jesus, your mule ate my pickles and now we're going to have to bring out the laser guns. any of you hobknobs move and i will destroy everything you ever loved and lived for.
nobody gets out of the soup... NOBODY. |
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| lamentations of duckduckgoose. |
[Nov. 4th, 2006|09:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the garret | ] |
| [ | now playing |
| | fuck this... i'm leaving - ammerican analog set | ] |
seriously edmonton. what the fuck.
the autumnal downpour phenomenon? the increasingly flakey so-famous-nobody-knows-about-me population? goddamn you, stop trying to be vancouver. the world only needs one vancouver. your attempts to be cool, my fair metropolis, will render you hopelessly overrated, whereas now you have the unassuming charm of a city that is actually fucking amazing but nobody would ever believe it.
your music is better. your straight boys are hotter. your seasons are actually recognizeable. your citizens, less cold and calculated. leave it at that.
on an aside: if you can only be sure that nothing is constant or graspable (in the buddhist sense), how sure should you be of a change that appears to be impending, but may not, as such, be altogether necessary?
on another aside: i just spent 2 hours studying something called the "archaic homo". eat your heart out, homophobes.
on yet another aside: not only did evolution occur, but our nearest evolutionary relatives are actually gender-transcendent orgy-loving monkeys who solve all of their disputes with "sexual stroking" in "any and all combinations of sexes". make love, not war!
anthropology has thus proved itself a worthy pursuit. well... at least if you want to piss off conservative christians.
and tonight, we die green. |
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| New Scientific Laws (from Oneself, for Oneself) |
[Oct. 28th, 2006|12:26 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the closet | ] |
| [ | level of humanization |
| |  kinda bummed | ] |
| [ | now playing |
| | black out - boris | ] |
i) no rule applies all the time. the world is either run on grand immaterial illusions, or by shape-shifting reptilian forefathers of freemasons, and both of those are pretty silly ideas.
ii) don't do anything unless it would make a good story. i am tired of being fucking boring.
iii) shut up. seriously.
iv) if you have all the gear to record and you're not recording anything, you fail at life.
v) keep your promises.
vi) time can bend, you just need to figure out how to make it do so.
vii) nothing is absolute.
viii) your friends can find you if they want to.
ix) sometimes cats run away.
x) the grass that is greener is only that way because of chemical fertiliazers that make it taste fucking gross anyways. buy your own fucking fertilizer if you want it so badly.
xi) everything is alive.
xii) everyone you know is a complex and talented structure of awesomeness.
xiii) you cannot be everything to everyone. you cannot have everything. you cannot have everyone. in the grand scheme of things, Any = Every.
xiv) if you forget everything that was ever important to you, and continue to live your life by what is important to The State (here meaning any outside conception of right and wrong and
respectable), you will die unfulfilled.
xv) hating everything doesn't make you cool.
xvi) an auditorium in the hull of a pirate ship is the only way you will be able to keep playing shows after the ice caps melt.
xvii) everything, even death, is a joke. |
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magdal3na's journal
ugh... valium?